Road Trip!
by TheMayBellTree
Summary: AU; How a day long bus drive turned into a 3-day long bus drive. aka. in which Becker is a mall cop, Helen is a kleptomaniac, and Matt is really into harlequin novels.
1. We here in England

Forty-two minutes. That damn dog had been making a racket non-stop for forty-two minutes. James Lester had counted. He kept looking over his shoulder at the German Shepherd next to the dark-haired man. Jesus Christ was the man trying to teach him how to speak?!

The only reason James hadn't given him what for was the gun holster at his hips and the bulging muscles on his arms that made it look like he was trying out for a minor body-building competition. Did that man really feel the need to sit right behind him?

Suddenly the bus came to screeching halt and the bus driver, whose name tag said Quinn, took a white and red megaphone from under his seat. He took a deep breath and started commentating on their surroundings.

"We here in England live in a _very _cultured land. So as to the left, there's a cow in his natural habitat."

An obnoxious college student stood up from his seat and started gawking at the cow."I-I see it! A _cow!_" A friend of his with short-cropped brown hair also stood up, awing at the cow.

"What's so special about it?!" He asked excitedly. A busty woman slyly picked-pocketed the duo's wallets.

"_Helen!" _The blonde man next to her grabbed her wrist and deposited the wallets back to their owners.

Quinn smirked. "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"Oh..." The duo slumped dejectedly back in their seats, their hopes destroyed.

A woman in front of them sighed exasperatedly with her phone in her hands.

"Can you _please _quiet down. Some of us actually have jobs." As the woman who had bright-red lipstick started to talk again, a woman identical to her seemed to escalate her volume of conversation with a blonde. "Claudia, can you _shut up_?!" Said woman rolled her eyes at her sister and continued chatting animatedly with the blonde, which seemed to be about lizards judging by the blonde frantically gesturing to her own and how _loud _they were.

James suddenly heard a loud snore from a few seats behind him. The source of the noise was a man sleeping with his mouth hanging open mushed against a window. The blonde man next to him elbowed the sleeping man in the ribs, making him jump.

"Huh? Are we there?" He groggily yawned. The blonde man just shook his head. "Damn it Cutter," he mumbled, going back to sleep.

Near the back of the bus, a woman stuck in the 80s fell over a seat making a huge slamming noise. She quickly got up and continued to try to peak over a man reading 50 Shades of Gray. The blonde man kept scooting away from her until he too fell off the seat.

James contemplated asking the man with the dog for his handgun. Of course, _today _he would be stuck with this idiotic group of people.

"Sir, don't we have a important schedule to keep?" The man behind him said over the noise of Quinn's talking.

"Oh no, I was having _so_ much fun educating these people." He sighed and put the megaphone back under his seat. He jumped back into his seat and restarted the bus. After starting to drive again, Quinn started talking again,"You know, I used to be a cop before this job."

"What happened?" The college student with a hat nervously asked as the woman from before reached over and took the hat.

"Caused a _huge _car accident with a police car. Nasty business. But you know that jaywalker just had to be stopped. That's illegal ya know, jaywalking." He grinned as all the passengers nervously looked at each other.


	2. Stephen's Little Problem

Stephen Hart once again woke from his nap Cutter had previously interrupted. This time it wasn't Cutter, however, it was that damned dog! The poor thing sounded like it was being starved. Yet he and a rich business man who was currently moving seats seemed to be the only two bothered by the German Shepherd.

As Stephen lifted his head groggily he almost went face-first into the breasts of the one-and-only Helen Cutter. She was stealing the college student named Connor's scarf, and placed it around her neck to accompany the hat she had also stolen.

He had suddenly caught himself staring at Helen's cleavage when, out of the corner of his eye, saw Cutter glaring daggers at him. Stephen started coughing violently while thinking of an excuse.

"Spaced out a bit. Thinking about how utterly boring this class trip is going to be."

Dammit. Why the hell were they on this class trip to begin with? The only students joining the three professors were Temple plus one, which in Stephen's opinion should have canceled the trip. Most of the students said they had a serious case of bird flu whilst putting on a obviously fake nasally voice. The rest of the class flat-out said they didn't want to go to a museum, saying they'd rather have a F than listen to the history of prehistoric creatures. Stephen didn't blame them one bit.

Now not only was he forced to listen to Cutter _and _Temple explain fossils, but also was going to be lectured by Cutter about 50 times through the course of this trip.

Stephen didn't notice he was once again entranced by Helen stealing the German Shepherd's owner's gun before being gestured to a seat near the back by Cutter. He seriously _was _spacing out this time! Lecture 1 of 50...

He rolled his eyes and reluctantly followed Cutter to a seat near the back of the bus. Fortunately not the very back, which looked heavy with sexual tension between the two readers of the _romance _novel.

As they sat down, Cutter, for the first time, looked nervous. He kept looking between Helen, and weirdly, the twins.

"Stephen, what do'ya think of the twins?"

"Hot. If you're thinkin' of a three-way though-"

"Hey! In case you forgot..." He shoved his ring finger in Stephen's face to show his wedding band. At least, that's what he was trying to do.

"What?" Stephen asked amusingly. Cutter looked at his finger only to see no ring.

"Gah, why would she..." He took a deep breath. "The point is stop lookin' at my wife like that."

"Like what?"

"Like...like what do'ya call it? Googly eyes? Lust maybe? Either way-"

"Don't worry mate! All in all, you're my best lad, so I would never do any thing to hurt you. _Especially _sleep with your wife." They both watched as Helen stole the phone Claudia's twin was using.

Suddenly a huge creak went through the bus as it slowly stopped. The bus was suddenly silent, until Quinn's voice cut through the tense atmosphere.

"This could be a problem."


End file.
